Quote-about-fear-Fear-is-nothing-more-than-an-obstacle

After a two-day extension to by trip due to the snowstorms in the the Northeast (yeah, feel bad for me, right?), I am finally on my way home. I’m actually sitting at the Orlando airport with families toting Disney stuffed animals and sporting Mickey ears, awaiting boarding.

And man, am I ready.

I miss my kids. I miss my husband. I miss my dogs and cats and even the two bunnies. And, oh, how I miss my BED.

But, I am afraid to go home.

I’m afraid of what my family will think of me.

Before I left, everyone was walking on eggshells and hoping this getaway would “fix” me. I’d come home and everything would be OK and back to “normal.”

But if there is one thing I’ve learned while here, is that I did not need to be fixed.

Maybe my medicine needed a little tweaking, and I needed to go someplace to deal with all the stress and anxiety and tears I had been keeping locked up in a little corner of myself trapped somewhere for a number of years (nearly five years of un-purged emotions and tears can take a while to weed through).

But I did not and d not need to be fixed.

I may need to learn how to communicate better with my husband. Being 1100+ miles away, can’t fix that.

I need to learn how to take care of myself, make sure my feelings are heard, and when my emotional needs are not being met, I need to find a way to to meet them myself and ask my family for help when I can’t do that.

I need to explain to my kids and husband that bipolar is just a diagnosis that can be managed with medication, but it won’t stop be from getting angry or sad or frustrated or laughing so hard I pee my pants (God what I wouldn’t give to laugh so hard again that I pee my pants).

I will still cry a lot when I’m happy, or frustrated or sometimes, for no reason at all. I can’t help it, I come from a family of criers.

I will still have my same compulsions to keep things neat and picked up, but that’s how I function and if you’re going to live with me, that comes with the package.

I may get anxious, too. I don’t know. This whole anxiety is relatively knew to me.

So all of this makes me a little nervous to head home.

I can only take that first, and get myself on the plane. Only then, can I move forward.

Only then will I become stronger and wiser.

Only then will I truly be me … warts and all again, with a family I love dearly.

And who I know loves me, too.

Note: This is the third in a series of posts from sunny Florida. Yup, I’m in Florida on a self-imposed respite and retreat to focus on getting healthy — mentally and physically. Hopefully it works! This Florida escape of mine might have been spurred on by a change of meds that caused my body and mind […]

My Self-imposed Respite and Retreat  |  3 Comments

Note: This is the second in a series of posts from sunny Florida. Yup, I’m in Florida on a self-imposed respite and retreat to focus on getting healthy — mentally and physically. Hopefully it works! This post was intended to be the first of “My self-imposed respite and retreat” posts, but since I’ve given myself […]

My Self-imposed Respite and Retreat  |  3 Comments

Note: This is the first in a series of posts from sunny Florida. Yup, I’m in Florida on a self-imposed respite and retreat to focus on getting healthy — mentally and physically. Hopefully it works! A week ago my therapist gave me a CD. It included four tracks. Forty-three minutes of gentle yoga, 30 seconds […]

My Self-imposed Respite and Retreat  |  Leave a Comment

Dear Kids, I know you are busy and life if pretty stressful for you most days. I mean, having to attend school for 6 hours a day, come home, do a little homework and maybe have a sports practice or lesson of some sort takes up a lot of your valuable time and there is […]

Parenting Parables  |  Leave a Comment

To my old and faithful readers and to those of you who are new to the blog I have a confession to make. I haven’t been honest with you these past couple of years and I feel terrible about it. I’ve shared with you honest and heartfelt admissions of my depression diagnoses five years ago […]

Family Life  |  3 Comments

Note: This was my first written post of the new year … but not the first one posted. I’m sure you’ll understand as you read on. I planned on blogging a lot sooner this year. After all, I haven’t blogged since July and getting back to writing on Renaissance Mom was at the top of my […]

Depression Diaries, The  |  5 Comments

For those of you who know me personally, or have followed my blog the past few years, you are probably not surprised to hear that I have begun a Declutter Challenge in the new year. Yup, 365 days of decluttering tasks — one a day — to get my house in order. For those of […]

Organization Woes, Uncategorized  |  4 Comments

NOTE: This review was previously posted on Berkshire Family Focus. “Somewhere in the losing of my love for Anne, I lost a little bit of my love for everything else.” ~ “I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You,” by Courtney Maum, 336 pages. $25.99. From the Oprah Magazine to Glamour, the Today Show to […]

Bookmarked — Check out these reads  |  1 Comment

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